the last thing we said

3 weeks, 1 day, 18 hours, 17 minutes. it’s been that long since you died. When you left that night I walked you outside, told you, “be careful”. You gave me that look -you always said I jinxed you when I told you that. Then you smiled that half smile with your head tilted just a little bit.

“what?”

“Be careful,” I mouthed, “I love you.”
You smiled that smile again, “I will. I will. holla at me later, ok?”

You were laughing as you backed out of the driveway. I smiled and waved good-bye. I walked back in the house thinking about how much I love you, and how well we had been getting along. And it felt so good, so real- because we loved each other so much for so long. And I thought to myself, we’re gonna get through this, we’ll be ok. Two hours later you were dead. It isn’t fair, just when we were finding our way back to eachother, you were gone. And I’m left here behind. Can’t you hear me? You have to come back- YOU HAVE TO COME BACK! I can’t find my way back to you if you’re not here. Don’t you get that? Doesn’t anybody get that……

expanded vocabulary

So many things change with death. Your routine, your life, everything – things you used to do all the time, you don’t do anymore. Things you said, you never say again. All these words that were never a part of your vocabulary, you now say several times a day. And with practice, you learn to seperate yourself from your words. You seperate yourself until you can say them without falling apart, or getting sick, or visualizing what you say as you say it. Autopsy report, medical examiner, scene of the accident, blunt force trauma, subdoral hemorrhage, orbital fracture, -see? I did that well, didn’t I? Who would have thought I was talking about my husband?

monsters under the bed

I’ve lived alone more years of my adult life than I haven’t. Never bothered me before to be alone at night. Even after you moved out I was ok at night. And on the rare occassion I did get scared – I dialed your number, and you would come chase the monsters from under the bed. You never said you were too tired, or too busy, and you never teased me. 2 a.m., 4 a.m. you would come check the closets, garage, the back room, look under the bed, finally declaring the house safe and secure. You were my hero, my protector, my monster chaser…. Now you’re gone….and I’m afraid of being alone at night. I’m afraid of the monsters under the bed. Your arms were the safest, most protected place in my world. I miss you.

do you think of us?

I know you don’t think about the family he left behind. And you made it clear you don’t carry the smallest regret for the part you played in his death. I wish you could teach me that, how not to feel guilty. -not to have any regrets. Then maybe I could sleep a few hours at night, instead of sitting on the floor and staring down the street. I find myself there a lot…..back against the door, chin resting on my knees. Sometimes I pretend he’s on his way home and the next headlights coming down the street are his. Tell me- how do you stop this from consuming your thoughts? I go to bed thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it, and every time I wake, my hand instinctively reaches for the place my husband used to sleep. Those seconds just before I reach out are my favorite seconds of the day. For those short moments, nothing’s changed. Then my hand finds only air and it comes flooding back…. I’ll never wake up beside my husband again. And so begins my day. There will be a dozen more of those two seconds today. I’ll see something and think I can’t wait to tell……or I’ll wonder what he would like for lunch today, then realize he won’t be here for lunch today. Or tomorrow, or the next day. Then I wonder if you thought about him when you had lunch? Did you think about his wife, or if she still fixes his lunch before she realizes there’s no one to eat it? Maybe you think about him when you look at your children? Surely you think about the 4 children who don’t have a daddy anymore? You played such a significant role in turning their lives inside out. You do think about them, don’t you? Did you say a prayer for us today? Surely, you pray for us every now and then.

leave me alone!!!!

What the hell is their problem?! Unmarked patrol cars parking in my alley, watching my house. Good luck seeing anything, I don’t have electricity! Everytime I step outside, cops are either driving by and pointing like it’s some sideshow attraction, or they’re parked half way down the alley. Why can’t you leave me alone?! What do you think I’m gonna do- raise him from the dead?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I could enlist a couple people to help, that’s exactly what you’d get- a good ol’ fashioned voodoo death raising- right in my backyard. You’re so worried about him coming back- would love to see what the hell you’d do if you saw it happen with your own eyes. Everyone I asked said no way- all afraid of getting shot. can’t say I blame them.

your example

Every time I turn around, someone is preaching, “learn from his mistakes.” There’s so much more to be learned from your example. Some I’m still learning and many I haven’t thought of yet.
You taught me to love unconditionally.
You’re still teaching me what it means to be true to self.
You taught me strength of heart.
You taught me perseverance, and patience.
You’re still teaching me forgiveness. You taught me …. you can’t be gone. You can’t leave without saying good-bye. Why did this happen? You are my breath, the beat of my heart and depth of my soul, …..my life. I don’t want to do this without you, don’t you get that? Why didn’t you take me with you? I love you. You know that, don’t you? You know that I love you more than all the oceans and stars combined? Please God, please send him back to me.

why did you get the break?

I’m really pissed! I was thinking about this today……the last 3 years of my life have been nothing but sadness, and hurting, and SUCKED. I’m so tired of hurting, and being sad every waking moment, so why did you get the break? I get stuck here with more sad and more lonely, you took it, and it should have been mine! And you know I could never do suicide, so I get stuck here. It was my break , it should have been mine! Damn you for leaving me here like this. You know I’m lost without you, I don’t know how to let go of you. I wont let go, I’ll wait, and wait, and wait. And that will be OK with me. Because it’s all I know….

no instructions?

I went to Hastings Books tonight. I thought I might find a book to tell me what I’m supposed to do if you really aren’t coming home. I was sitting on the floor, going through the titles one by one. More than once I wanted to ask one of the clerks to help me, but I knew they couldn’t answer my question. Can’t you just see it, “excuse me miss…miss. Um, I was wondering if you could help me? My husband was killed last Saturday, and I’m not sure what to do with 18 hours of my day. Those hours were all but dedicated to something related to him, and now he’s gone. Could you make any suggestions as to what I might do with all those hours now?”

I miss you baby. Do you know that? Why won’t you come home now? I’m tired, I know you are. I love you.

listening for something

I noticed something different today. I’ve been keeping my head tilted ever so slightly to the right and forward a bit. Like I’m constantly listening for something, or someone… and I catch myself doing things like holding my breath, or touching the tips of my fingers to my thumbs, one at a time while I hold my breath. As though there is a correct combination or sequence of actions that will put everything back like it was.

I went to the place you died tonight. I haven’t been there in a few days. It seemed different tonight. The skid marks from your tires are still there. The places where you bled on the concrete are still covered in gravel. …….so much blood……. oh baby, how did this happen? Why did they do this to you? I want you to come home now. Please? Come home and we’ll forget any of this ever happened. You have to come home… I need to hear you laugh, see your smile, feel your hands on my cheek. Please Rick, I’m tired of waiting on you. I keep telling everyone how the last 3 years my life have been “waiting on Rick to call, waiting on Rick to show up, waiting on Rick, waiting on Rick…” I don’t know how to not wait on you.
I hope you weren’t scared, but you had to be. Did you try to call me when they were chasing you? I know you did. I fell asleep, kicked the phone off the hook. I’m sorry. So so sorry. If I’d answered the phone, I could have talked you into stopping. All this time I’ve had your back. When our world was falling apart, you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I HAVE YOUR BACK. Then I wasn’t there when it counted most. Fuck me- SEE, I told you! No, I didn’t tell you, did I? I thought about telling you, then decided not to because you were so proud of your new little jeep thing…didn’t want to ruin it for you by saying it was a tin can, it’s dangerous. So, I prayed instead. I prayed to the gods and asked them to protect you in it. Then I thought to myself you’d be dead inside of 30 days because of that stupid little truck. Now I hate myself. I should have never thought that. I’m so sorry. I love you baby, you knew that didn’t you?

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I can’t describe right now what is–what I’m feeling for the love and heart of what I just read.