I need you today

I need you close today. …going to get your things out of the Tracker. I’ve seen it from a distance but know I can’t prepare myself for this. Please, lend me your eyes so I don’t miss anything, and a steady hand if mine shake too much. Don’t want them to see me stumble. We’re stronger than them- stronger than all of this. I love you.

what isn’t anymore

Everyday I wake up telling myself I’m going to start unpacking today. I say it a few more times as the day slips away. Laying in bed, before I fall asleep…I think, tomorrow- tomorrow I’ll start unpacking.

I know what’s inside every single box. And I know where we found every little thing. And I know I won’t find you in any of them. Only pieces of you- a smile, a thought, a feeling. But no you. Just memories of us and reminders of what isn’t anymore. There’s no us anymore. There’s no you anymore.

because I love you

You knew that all I did for you- I did because I love you. Not because I wanted anything in return. Except for your love. We got so far from where we started. So many hateful, ugly words we couldn’t unsay.

selective hearing

so tired of the silence that answers when I say your name. And the deer in the headlights look staring back at me before they change the subject. Pretending they didn’t hear what I said. Why do they have to make me feel like I’m not supposed to talk about you? surely they don’t think I’m supposed to erase you -pretend you never were.

bad dreams

I dreamed I was sitting a few feet from the Tracker. It’s mangled and twisted, the windshield shattered, seats pushed forward and broken. Barely a hint of the new little jeep you were so proud of. Your tennis shoes were in the floorboard, left behind when they took you away. They were so new and clean and white when you put them on -just a few hours ago. Now they were splattered in red, ….bright crimson drops against white leather. I was asking the firemen, “why didn’t they take his shoes? Why did they leave them here where everyone can see them…?” But they didn’t answer because no one could hear me. I leaned forward stretching to reach them…gravel dug into my knees. The tip of my finger was so close I could almost feel the soft leather. (come on -reach! …just a little closer) No matter how far I stretched I couldn’t get close enough. So I sat there staring- fixated on your shoes and the blood. ….so much blood…

time stands still

Why does it have to be now that times stands still? Why couldn’t it stand in place before you died? I know it’s possible because I keep waking up in this same godforsaken day in the middle of this godforsaken nightmare every single day. It doesn’t get easier with time – it doesn’t get not as hard with time. The senses don’t dull, the pain doesn’t lessen- it’s status quo – every single fucking day. And it sucks! and I’m sick of it – sick to death of it. And who cares, right? Because it doesn’t matter that I love you, and it doesn’t matter that I need you – and it doesn’t matter that Hannah needs you- none of it makes a damn to whoever owns the hands of time. see you tomorrow – same time – same place.

I left flowers for you

I don’t get by there as often since I moved. I left flowers by the tree and watched the cars pass by as though nothing had happened there.

Husbands making their way home after a day at work, wives hurrying home to start dinner, teen-agers on a date. So many people, so many lives moving through traffic. I thought about how we used to be them. And I thought about how we stopped being them- right there at that stoplight. The light turned red and everything just stopped being. You, our dreams, our hopes, our lives, your life… Seems like the air there should be different there. I sat there for a long time, like I used to. For weeks – every morning at 5:30 I would go there and wait for something to happen. what? I don’t know – maybe I was hoping a time warp would swallow me and take me back to the morning you died……take me back to you…..take me instead of you. Take me with you. Anything would be better than without you. So many hours I sat there waiting… Did you see the flowers I left for you?

bad manners

I know better – 2 cops I can talk to who don’t try to suck me into an verbal war. found myself in the middle of an argument with one I now know I can’t talk to. Not arguing if you should have ran or not, weren’t arguing if they should have chased you or not – but were arguing over whether or not you deserved to die. my god- this police “officer” is telling me point blank – that you got what you deserved. -and that our daughter is better off for it.

you promised

oh my god, Rick I miss you. it hurts so much – how can u be gone? you promised me you would live forever. You said you would be the first person to live forever. you were invincible – I believed you were invincible. I don’t know how to let u go. and it’s so lonely b/c you’re not out there somewhere- meet me in my dreams – you’ll meet me in my dreams won’t u?