said too much

I’ve been thinking………maybe this quest for the truth isn’t such a great idea. all of the letters, and e-mails, and research, -I did it all by myself. I don’t mind being a 1 woman team- usually prefer it because only myself to blame if something gets screwed up. after the newspaper story came out, I got an email from Rick’s brother. he seemed so excited, congratulating me- all the “you go girl” stuff. was nice to hear and felt so good that someone noticed I was really trying to set things right. I replied w/ an “update” email about some why’s and what’s of what’s been happening and what’s going to happen. my bad, I think I told more details than anyone wants to know. they love that I’m fighting for Rick- as long as they don’t have to hear the details. felt guilty at first- wasn’t my intention to cause more pain over Rick

….then I got pissed-

hey! excuse the fuck out of me! didn’t mean to piss on your happy little day there. guess this means you don’t want me to recite that 9 fucking page autopsy report I now have memorized. and you probably don’t want to hear how the bones in Rick’s legs ripped holes through his jeans-
or that his heart was cut to pieces – or – or – or –

It makes me a little uneasy that I can recite all that without a tear or blinking eye. I’m no shrink- but doesn’t sound very healthy.

I’ve become 2 different people. the woman who wakes up every morning fighting for the truth, for justice. and the wife who cries herself to sleep every night because I miss you so fucking much – so long I’ve fought for something- anything- the newspaper story was a victory- and damn it felt good- until I realized the one person I wanted to share it with isn’t here to cheer me on, tell me “good job”. suddenly it isn’t such a big deal anymore.

snakes

if you don’t play by their rules- you die. If you do, they hide behind their badge of immunity and laugh at you. play games with you.

“If you want to see the videos, file a Freedom of Information request.”
Did it amuse you- watching me scramble, research, and send the FOI letter you requested? I’m sure it did, after all you never had any intention of doing the right thing anyway- or you would have done it in the first place. I hate you- do you hear me? I hate you. Or is that against the law? I hope to God Rick chases you in your nightmares every night. I hope you never get a single hour of peaceful sleep. I hope the man you murdered and the family you destroyed haunts you’re every waking moment. Cowards- can’t even stand behind your actions. What’s on those video tapes? What is it you so desperately feel a need to keep hidden from me and the citizens who sign your paychecks?

no shades of gray

what the hell has this country and the people in it come to? for God’s sake- I understand the police dept has to have a certain amount of immunity in order to do their jobs. but when they chase someone like a pack of rabid dogs because they want to spice up a boring night and that person dies- it’s wrong. there are no shades of gray here – it’s wrong. and when those same cops then snub their nose and make jokes at the scene of a death they pushed into happening – it’s wrong. and when they lie about why they chased someone because they suddenly think, “gee, maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing we could have done” – it’s wrong. and when they let college professors and news reporters watch the video tapes of their ‘let’s play cowboy’ game that killed someone- and they won’t let the wife of the person they killed watch those same tapes. that’s wrong too. when they keep the personal belongings of the person they killed just b/c they can- it’s wrong and it’s theft. and when an “officer”(what a joke) tells a widow that her husband “got what he deserved” and “your daughter is better off for it b/c he wouldn’t have been much of a father anyway.” – it’s cruel, mean, sinister, sick, twisted, hateful, and it’s WRONG! this idea that a badge somehow places these sorry excuse for human beings closer to God or innocence is wrong- but acceptable – why? because they’re cops. and as such are allowed to lie, steal, chase, kill – all on a whim. and when it’s all over with and a life has been taken- they don’t even have a “we’re sorry for your loss ma’am.” -I would have taken a “go to hell”-at least it would have been honest…

tangled

getting harder- and I’m tired Rick. so tired. How could you leave me here to fight them by myself? Seems like a lifetime I’ve been living in fear, waiting for the worst to happen, and it did. Guilt, frustration, fear, anger, pain, exhaustion -all so tangled I can’t tell one from the other. My mind, my heart, my soul, -tapped. Was so determined to fight for you, have been fighting for you- but seeing now that it won’t make a difference. Have you seen the little girl there yet? see- won’t change. Someone will still run and they will still chase. An 11 yr old child dies and not so much as a “tsk”.

God please look after Kelsey Morgan and her family- comfort and protect them. Please don’t let them be hurt anymore. And keep an eye on her brother, instill a bit of mercy and compassion in those around him.

Rick help me- someone please fucking help me get through this. please.

can you hear me?

click to play…..

keep waiting on something to change… but it doesn’t. Seems like years since I’ve seen you. Wish I could talk to you once more. just once- tell you I love you- I love you so much. I worry whether or not you knew. you did know didn’t you? can’t remember when I told you last. If I’d known this was coming, I would have said it so many more times. would have made sure you knew. I say it all the time now – do you hear me? because you never answer. never hear you answer these days. going to keep saying it though- just in case you’re listening. I’m so tired of you being gone- don’t wanna be alone anymore. I want you to come home. please come home.

name your price

I have to write a letter. a tort claim. And in this letter I have to include certain information regarding the loss of my husband’s life-

item 4 – estimated amount of damages, in dollars

item 5 – amount I would settle for.

I do not want to estimate the dollar value of my husband’s life. I might as well be saying, “ok, you can kill my husband for X amount- but not a penny less.”

I wonder if I should itemize? let’s see……

according to the internet death clock my DOA date is July 3, 2062, that’s 21263 days, 12 hours, 40 minutes, 4 seconds from now. so, 21263 nights I will go to bed without the man I love more than life.

averaging 5 smiles per day- 106,315 smiles I’ll never see again.

averaging 10 touches per day- 212630 touches I’ll never feel again.

averaging 2 kisses per day- 42,526 kisses I’ll never taste again.

1 I love you per day- 21263 I love you’s I’ll never hear again.

and our daughter…….well, what kind of price do you put on-

a lifetime of birthdays and christmases.
sitting on dad’s shoulders or crying on them when she skins her knee.
listening to him play guitar just for her.
dad teaching her to drive.
dad holding her hand on the first day of school.
dad teaching her to ride her first bicycle.
dad going to school to eat lunch with her.
kissing her good-night and tucking her into bed.
bed-time stories.
dad giving her away at her wedding.
dad dancing the first dance with her at the reception.
dad taking pictures, clapping, yelling, and embarrassing her at graduation because he’s so proud of her.
taking her to the park and pushing the merry-go-round.

how do i place a dollar value on these things? and these things are only fleeting moments of time in our life. rick lost his life. what’s the value of a life? ………..name your price.

seems like yesterday

I was at our house yesterday. Sometimes I sit in the car staring at the front door. If I stare long enough I can see you jogging out the door and down the steps, then back inside again because you forgot your keys, or left your wallet on the bed, or forgot to kiss me bye.
“I love you.”
“I love you too…be careful.”
“I know.”
you in a hurry, always running late. and me- trying to think of one more thing to keep you there a few minutes longer.

I felt you die

5:36 a.m., October 25, 2003

The window next to the bed was raised just enough to allow a breeze to drift in. I’d been asleep for a couple of hours, the sound of sirens in the distance woke me.

The air was different, charged. So much that I commented outloud to myself, “so much electricity in the air….can almost see it spark.” My eyes traveled slowly down the wall to the corner, then along the adjoining wall, all the way around the room. The air was vibrating, like the sound of an electric transformer on a utility pole- could hear it, feel it, ….almost see it…

I was sitting there glued to the bed when I remembered something I’d left in the car the night before. Rick had told me in no uncertain terms not to forget it  because it would get stolen. Damn! can’t believe I forgot that. I jumped out of bed and walked to the front door. When I stepped outside -there it was again- the buzzing – not as strong, but still there. I walked down the driveway, cutting between the 2 cars parked there. Flashing lights and the sound of a revved motor caught my attention. I looked up as a police patrol car flew by. As it passed, the officer turned and looked at me, making direct eye contact. I remember thinking to myself, “wonder who pissed them off? …whoever it is, may God protect and watch over them.”

Two hours later, I would wake to the sound of my sister screaming and beating on my front door. “Ricky’s dead,” she would say. Later that day I remembered the electricity in the air and realized it was you dying a few short blocks away. The police car that raced by was in route to the scene of the crash. I wonder, when he looked me in the eyes, was he thinking, “Your husband’s dead, lady. He’s dead.”

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Yeah, it’s just like that.

one more thing

Rick – if I could get my hands on you – I would kick your ass for leaving me in this position!