Janey’s journal 3

click to play…..

†

October 29, 2003

Dear God PLEASE help me to erase the image I have in my head & thank you for being there with me. I was NOT prepared for what I saw today at all. I know & find refuge in knowing that are bodies are only vessels & our soul is always alive but my God… I am glad you carried me through this today, there was no possible way I was there alone because I could not have done this. I pray, pray pray your angels carried him home before he could feel anything. He just looked so hurt, so damaged. I wonder if he knows how many people had a part of them go when he did…then again I am wondering alot of things right now…like did they run him off the road? Was he alive when Wanda called? Why didn’t they get him out of the car when they helped the other people? Was this just personal? Don’t they know? Don’t they realize that someone is not coming home? They all just seemed like it was another day to them & yet mine feels like it won’t end still…

(un)happy birthday

9/11 – twisted life anthem in there somewhere……..

first birthday without you. I’m sorry for how I handled things last year. You could be merciless with the salt sometimes……..if I had known it would be the last birthday we could spend together……..

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I have been reading you and have just now felt the need to write. It never ends, the what ifs and wish I hads, now is 12 years and even though it doesn’t seem to be a bad dream anymore it, I still call her name in my sleep and wake and think that she will be there …………I still think she will wake and feed the baby or find my favorite shirt that I had left on the sink by her chair……..I still think that maybe i will be whole again,as she had helped me become……………I still think that no one or anything will ever be loved by me as much……….even with all the pain that the loss of her has wreaked on my heart………… the joy of loving and being loved by her was worth it all……….January 22nd ………her birthday…………thank you, for helping me remember!

I would have…

if i had known that night -

i would have held you a lot tighter. touched you a little softer. memorized your voice, asked you to say my name again. i would have bargained with the gods – sold my soul for a few more minutes to see your smile, hear you laugh. watch you move. i would have smiled at you so many more times and told you how much i love you and appreciate you and honor you. and i would have said i’m sorry for all the things i couldn’t take back. i would have told you a funny story and asked you tell me five. i would have kissed your cheek and ran my fingers through your hair – and whispered all the reasons why i love you. i would have tickled your feet and scratched your back and held your head while you slept. i would have cooked your dinner and ran your bath.†i would have held your hands and kissed your fingers one by one and made love to you all day. and i would have held you so tight noone could take you away from me. i would have turned off your phone and locked the door.