looking up

Have you ever met someone who opened your eyes to a whole new idea or inspired you to want more – do more -be more?  It’s too rare in today’s society that we meet someone we admire and look up to. Several months ago (I’m embarrassed to admit this, especially now that I have a better understanding of the importance) if you had asked me how a bill becomes a law, the closest I could have came to an answer would have been singing the little Saturday morning cartoon song… Today I can be caught (at least once a day) reciting the goods and bads related to one or more current pieces of pending legislation to an unsuspecting member of my family or friends. ) 

When I clicked over to Scott Hensons gritsforbreakfast today and saw an entry about my current probation issue and how it relates to the need for probation reform-  I ’bout fell outta my chair. There’s a possibility my story may be included in a case study promoting the need for reform. Forgive me my awed speechless-ness…  it’s a really really big deal to me that I might be part of a bigger movement towards a more humane and rehabilitative probation system in Texas.

drifting through

sometimes I walk in my house, and the air -it carries your scent like if I had been 1 second sooner, I would have passed you coming through…

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Touching… what a beautiful thought, yet with it a sense of longing.

here? again?

this is wearing me out. it happens so quickly I don’t see it coming or even notice I’m here again until I’m more here than ever before. Life will be clicking along, I’ll be clicking along with it- -focusing on hannah, spending more time with my family, helping my grandparents, going to the store, spending time outside, -then out of nowhere I wake up here. If it wasn’t for Hannah, I’d have blown this joint months ago to be with Rick. But every morning I see Hannah’s face, hear her voice -and find the determination to get through one more day. If life interferes and I don’t see that affirmation every day- (this time I think it was spending so many days working at the old house)- if I don’t have that affirmation every day, I lose the will to keep going. – happens so quickly I don’t notice. Isolating myself, barely getting out of bed, avoiding the phone… and each time it gets more difficult to re-enter life. so tired of it all- not enough mental energy to worry about it. …..exhausted….

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

one day at a time, no advice I could give you is any better than that

end

1 year 5 months 28 days.

Many times I’ve heard my grandpa say, “you can’t beat City Hall.” Even with my idealistic and naive’ views, I knew I could never beat them. Two peoples know what happened the morning Rick died- one is dead, the other has control of all information related to what happened. The reality is that they will never disclose anything which would create an accountability factor.

2 things I hope 2withspirit will bring- 

more understanding for what the one left behind goes through after…

awareness of the need for more restrictive pursuit policies and more pursuit driver training.  along with a call for accountability by departments and their officers. 

I know in my heart I’ve exhausted all avenues available to me at this time.  Last year I said maybe I needed this fight – something to tear into until the part I might not have made it through is over.  I don’t think you ever get through that part.  You just get to the end of each day. 

To everyone that has made the long or even recent haul with me -

thank you for your words of support and encouragement.  Every time I was teetering on that edge you came through with a hand to help me re-steady and keep going. I never would have made it this far had it not been for all of you. 

Rick- you will always be my heart and soul. I love you.

click to play…..

one thing

I know it’s out of season but -omg – how could I not post it?  Ran across this in my photo file a few minutes ago. This is our Hannah- she’s the one thing Rick and I did pretty damn good together.  (don’t ya think?)

anyone still awake?

anyone else still awake? It’s raining here. I love the rain, how it smells, tastes, feels…  makes me feel so isolated though. alone.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I have always thought that rain was like a by-product of the universe, something tangible to the senses & with that comes connection.That said, something so wondrous to be expereinced alone can be isolating.

Boo

pulling towels from the pile of laundry on the bed. my back to the double doorway leading into my bedroom. rarely do that, stand with my back to a door- old habits, fears- die hard. then I started thinking about having my back to the door, unable to see what was behind me….. THUPOP! WTF?!!!!! was that??????? my heart burst through my chest taking my breath with it. Shaking, I retract my fingernails and slowly peel myself from the ceiling to find the 6 headed green monster I’ve saved myself from by jumping to the safety of the ceiling, is one 20oz Sprite bottle rolled to the floor by a towel. hate when that happens.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

chuckle

Our minds are our worst enemy at times.

not off to a good start

yesterday shut the door on the car and the window shattered, broke an axle on the trailer (with cow inside trailer), and today the worst fucking toothache known to man – this week is not off to a good start.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

then today has to be better, if not, certainly tomorrow.

let go

I wasn’t ready to let you go.
God help me I miss you so much.

now what

gotten very good at being where everyone thinks I should be…  one two three – smile – two three ….

 How the hell do you keep on keepin on when the biggest part of you is dead?  along with your dreams, your hopes, your everything…  a year and a half I fought for Rick’s property, access to documents related to the pursuit, -almost wish the City Attorney had kept fighting me (I’m sure they would be thrilled to hear me say that) -gave me something to focus on, occupied my thoughts so that I didn’t notice so acutely your abscence.  The property, the footage from the scene of the accident- came to me so quickly- like waking up to ice water splashed in my face.

miss you – miss your smart ass humor, always making me laugh.