memorial day

click to play…..

peace all.

6/02/2005 MDay #2. never thought Memorial Day would mean Rick’s gone. so empty without you. I love you and I miss you so much – so fucking much.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

very nice Cat

cellular answers

was I the last person Rick called that morning?

did he not see the Tahoe because he was looking at his phone, dialing my number instead of watching the road?

will the times of the last phone calls coincide with police reports?

did Patrick (the SOB that set him up) attempt to call him during or after the pursuit?

 

I’ll have the answers this afternoon. 

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Honestly, I don’t know if I want to know.

bad dreams

I seriously wonder what the hell goes on in my subconcious that it creates some of the fucked up stuff I dream about.
And- AND I hope you 3 SOB’s have twice as many -twice as bad -nightmares as I do.

Last night’s mind fuck – I’m watching the Tracker roll and Rick is getting slung out and around as it rolls. When it stops rolling, it’s on fire. I’m screaming for someone to help me as I try to pull Rick out of the wreckage before he burns.
***Flash-new location***
Janey and I are at the impound lot because I’m picking up the Tracker. Janey’s pacing back and forth in a rage and yelling at the impound lot guy- “they cleaned all that stuff off the street! I can’t believe they didn’t clean it out of the Tracker before they told you to come get it!” While she’s pacing and yelling, I’m inside the Tracker with a wet cloth wiping at blood and “stuff”.

Didn’t go through this little sequence once or twice – nooooooo. It was over and over and over and over and over again….

I’ve got an appointment with the DA’s office this morning and I couldn’t possibly be in a worse mood. this sucks.

3:30 pm so I get on the road to Wichita a little later than I should have. I had to stop at the police department to get a report I needed for the DA’s office. Keep in mind the PD is very close in rank to hell on my top 10 places I don’t care to visit. I turn the corner to park in front of the PD and the street is blocked off. A sea of blue uniforms and patrol cars and motorcycles and – this is not my life. Did you know today is Fallen Police Officer’s Memorial Day? I didn’t. But it is. Finally found a parking place and make my way to the front doors of the police station. It’s built into the side of a hill so I’m walking across something akin to a platform about 20 feet above the sea of uniforms.
(ever feel like the only duck at a duck shoot?)

grandpas rock!!!

he just surprised me with a cheeseburger – breakfast.  grandpas are the coolest!!!!!

boxes

The GD boxes are back – AGAIN. Who woulda thought you could actually hate cardboard- (me! me!) I do. Over a year to get the last of the boxes unpacked – lasted 2 weeks. 2 blissful weeks I could get close enough to my dresser to touch it. Not now……..once again blocked by 9 damn boxes. And I am soooooooo not doing this again- no way- no no no! Unless little elves frolic in and unpack them while I sleep – they will never be unpacked- period. ever never never ever.

so take that you little pieces of reproducing cardboard. HA! 

ok- breathe

I can’t sleep. I realized that it’s been years – literally – since I’ve lived a normal life – normal as in not ducking or dodging or worrying or looking over my shoulder or Rick’s shoulder or covering his back and watching mine. Years of constant pressure- something always hanging over my head- knowing at some point the sky would fall but not knowing when the earth would swallow me and shatter my world. KNOWING it would happen but not when.

wow. I can breathe, one breath at a time instead of a step ahead…

it’s so quiet.  my mind is finally still.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I think that as we exist we can do but one thing… breathe if we can just remember to breathe we will be okay.