Portland gets it

Portland, OR opts for saving lives.

he

couldn’t keep up with battery covers to save his life. I have plastic bins full of coverless gadgets and electronics- now useless.

he had so many electric extension cords plugged in i occasionaly found them looping back on themselves.

if it was one-of-a-kind, odd, obscure, hasn’t been made since 1927, -there are 3 of them at his house.

if he parked his vehicle on Ave. R overnight – the stereo deck would get stolen. every time. 

he lost his keys, wallet, or cell phone at least 3 times a day.

his IQ was super high.

he loved his little brother-
told the story lots of times about how Randy saved him from gettin’ cut up one night -some asshole jumped him from behind. said he knew when his back was in a corner, he could count on his “bro”.

he had tons of respect for his older brother Rob-
for getting out of wichita falls- making a new life in Dallas. and so so proud Rob went back to college and got his degree, could hear it swell up in his voice when he talked about him.

he never held a grudge. when the fightin’ was over- it was over. start again with a clean slate.

he was fucking awesome in bed.

he was fucking awesome in bed.

he was borderline arrogant.

he brought something home to me every day for about 2 years.  anything from an antique Drexel 3 pc bedroom suite to a milk glass marble he saw buried in the dirt as he stepped out of his car at a garage sale.

he’s the only person i know who could order $20 worth of Taco Bell in the drive-thru, realize he didn’t have has wallet with him – and they just told him to bring the money back later. (this happened numerous times) 

he was so high energy he shuffled his feet while he slept.

his kids were 18, 16, and 14. i told him we were pregnant and he never flinched and never batted an eye.

he couldn’t see bad in people.

he didn’t think anyone was more or less than him.

he loved his kids passed infinity.

he was the luckiest SOB i’ve ever known. (except for the pursuit)

his signature song ‘back in the day’ was

click to play…..

he worked harder and longer than anyone i’ve known other than my grandpa. he was surprised when the grapevine told him i’d said that about him.

he was scared of big dogs and attracted ‘em like magnets- they loved him instantly.

he convinced me i was beautiful without make-up. not because he wanted to plain me down, but because he really believed i was beautiful without it.

his favorite TV shows were -all in the family, kids in the hall, & SNL. his favorite movies were porn.

he kicked ass in pool and darts. i kicked more ass in pool.

he could eat 5 full meals a day.

he dreamed about opening an antique store or pawn shop.

he could have rivaled millionaires in a board room or business deal.

he and his older brother zipped up their little brother in his coat with the hanger inside and hung him in the closet.

he had a very healthy respect for that ‘knowing’ thing i have.

he laughed alot.

he loved me. 

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

The power of the pen Cat… your words, your memories… they are strong, like your spirit. Rick’s memory lives and survives because you do.

beneath the surface

it’s occupies the space between

deep

a
n
d

deepest.

where-
dreams are chased

enemies are made

passions ignite

hearts are broken

fires burn

promises made

and love.

every emotion happens right there in that space.

go ahead, scratch the surface -you’ll see it.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Now THAT was D-E-E-P.

defining moments

what Shane did earlier was so cool. put me in a good mood- been awhile since i had a good mood. so i been sitting here thinking about rick and some of the good times we had.

Rick’s son was living with us. He was 14 then, had gotten in a fight the previous day, broke his hand when he punched the other kid who was 2 yrs older than him. Rick worked 3-11 shift so that left me home M-F with D.

D gets home from school then leaves with some of his friends to walk around the neighborhood. I got in the shower. Middle of my shower I get chills down my back- had a feeling D had come back in the house and grabbed a set of antique brass knuckles I had on a display shelf with some other antiques. I jumped out of the shower and ran to the kitchen- sure enough – the knuckles were gone.

Scared the hell out of me. I knew he had no idea how little it would take to kill someone with brass knuckles. omg- my hands were shaking, heart pounding as I zip through his friends phone numbers. Finally found him 2 blocks over at his little girlfriends house with his friends. I told her parents not to tell him I’d called, I’m on my way over.

Man o man- dragged him out of there by his ear -literally – in front of his girlfriend, his friends. The conversation in the car driving home was something to the effect of   “…..your room. don’t wanna hear you breathe until your dad gets home!” he was staring at me -speechless. never seen me really really pissed before… and i was.

 

fast forward to Rick home from work later that night.

D wanted to go out with his friends but Rick grounded him. Rick gets in the shower, a few minutes later Rick hollered for me – I go in the bathroom, we talk about our days while he showers. When we get out of the bathroom, D’s gone.

(Remember growing up-  how our parents always knew when we were up to something and where we were up to it at. They weren’t psychic, we were just too stupid not to tell them when we thought we weren’t telling them). 

We went over everything D had said, narrowed it down to one place he was bound to show up.

Rick would later call this his “defining moment as a parent”. 

He drives to where we think D will turn up, parks the car a couple blocks over and walks to the house.

Picture this-  midnight,  l o n g  driveway lined with shrub trees on both sides, so dark you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face.  Rick finds a place about half way down the drive and steps into the shrubs.

Sure enough – less than 10 minutes later D and friends drive up. Rick said it was funny because all D’s friends were laughing and joking and D was kinda bringing up the rear acting all depressed. (conscience?) He waited until D was inches away, reached out of the shrubs and grasped D by the shoulder.

can you imagine? D said he knew it was his dad and all he could think was omg, i’m dead. dead. he’s gonna kill me. Rick said D turned so white he looked like he might pass out.  Keep in mind D thinks the walk down the driveway to the car was as good as a walk to the gallows. While Rick is so proud of his cunning detective work in finding D, it’s everything he can do not to jump and down laughing and yelling woohoo- gotcha! -has to play the part of the pissed off dad ya know.

I so wish Hannah would have known Rick. He was the dad all the kids wished was their dad. He’d ride bicycles- pop wheelies, jump home made ramps -bust his ass -in the street out front with D and his friends. 

a really cool dad.

 

 

loving you,

me.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Thats a really good memory. Shows what a good dad he was, Most men would be like “Boys will be Boys” crap. And it shows what a good step-mom you are. Thanks for sharing your memory with all of us.

unforgiven

because i wasn’t nice or fun or kind or happy for so long. yelling and crying, so much crying. realized how much i loved him when it was too late for him to see how much. every exchange – every word chosen for maximum hurt you back value because i can’t see or feel anything but me dying inside and you did this to me and i don’t know how to forgive you. i prayed-please god let me forgive him but he wouldn’t stop and so so many.

2 years unforgiven. fucking unfair and i hate it- hate us for letting the static steal those days from eachother- 2 fucking years wasted. wanna scream at it til my throat’s raw and bloody. grab injustice by the throat and squeeze, choke it ’til it promises to balance the scales.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I have no words.

pressure

pressure pressure to be who i need to be for every one and i’m trying harder than i’ve ever tried before to be every ones everyone.

but the gauge is tac’d out and escape is whispering sweet nothings in my ear. space, need just a tiny bit of space where my phone doesn’t wake me or the door isn’t knocked for nothing more than “are you up yet?”

“yes” because that’s just the way i am. “what ya need?”

“nothing. just wondered if you’re awake yet.”  fuck! tac tac tac- needles pushing the red zone and escape is on the other side.

our houses -15 feet apart. i wasn’t sure how i’d handle living so close in proximity to family- but i needed them that close and they need me to be that close and it wore well for a long time. but the pressure -constant pressure’s burning blisters.

grandpa’s barely home from the hospital.

hating myself for having these feelings, let alone saying ‘em out loud.  

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I lived with my grandma for four months when I moved here, before finding my own place. And it’s the first place I’ve EVER lived where I have this many relatives within 10 minutes’ driving time. Sometimes, you just need to get out, for sure.

smallest doubt

i believe – i really do. i know there’s something more when we’re finished with this life. so many messages and “i’m still here’s” from Rick since he died.

i do believe.

so why does that tiny question pick at me sometimes- what if – what if there’s nothing? what if those too few years were all we get? that would be such a rip-off ya know.

most of the time it doesn’t matter because even if we do get more – seems so long away. people keep telling me, and books say it, and web sites say it-

“seems like a long time, but when we get there it’s really only the blink of an eye.”  

but i’m not there and it’s a long time here. and what if – what if the time we had is all we get. 

 

really miss him. miss everything that made him him. even the bad times- bad’s better than numb right? he was pure energy, could feel him coming – everyone could. his jokes, his twisted humor, his guitar, the way he would throw the last thing you ever expected to hear at that moment – right in the middle of the room. and he could make ya smile even when you were dodging flying debris. just being around him made people feel good. all the guys wanted to be his friend and all the chicks wanted to – well -  fell all over themselves when he walked in a room. wouldn’t believe how many times i was asked – “who’s that?” by some chick.

loved that look on their faces when i looked ‘em dead in the eye and said – “my husband.” 

 

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

“What if the time we had is all we get?” In a way that makes that time even sweeter and more valuable. Still, I think of the song, “If love never lasts forever, tell me what’s forever for?” So I believe you and Rick will be together again. Forever.

by a thread

 

hanging by a thread the last few days. sleep sleep sleep since sunday and still sleepy. not sure if the last round of ‘can’t sleep again tonight’ caught up with me or it’s plain ol’ depression. feel like hell either way.

 

<—this was in ‘me times 30′. it was taken months before rick died.

<—this picture makes me uncomfortable and sad.

      i keep it so i won’t forget.

<—what it looks like when there’s no bottom.

   down

   down

   down

to the darkest hour.  no light.  what happens when we can’t fix us and we can’t leave us? and the love won’t die. it hurts like that, see it? i felt it and feel it again everytime i look at that picture. 

 

the smell of diesel and grease – always reminded me of my grandpa because he was a truck driver. he never smelled like that but his truck did when you stood close to the front tires. that’s how it smelled where the wreck happened that day. that’s what the tracker still smells like. that’s what death smells like.

hate days and nights like this. waiting waiting waiting on nothing to happen. hate that it’s ok with me that i’m waiting for nothing to happen.  

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Cat, Im so sorry. I wish I could help you like you helped me last week. I know what you mean about the sleeping thing. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

miss

you.

love,
me.

:down_tb:

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Thanks for your comment on Xanga. I’m better now. I’m just so very tired, or I would think of something more intelligent to say.

Keep trying.

awhile

click to play…..