your photo

I drift to sleep holding your photo sometimes, like last night…tracing your image- but the paper, it’s so cold and unmoving against my fingertips.

not misplaced

“I’m a widow.”

‘…lost him 2 years ago.’ <–I never say that because I didn’t misplace him. I know right the fuck where he is- in a hole in the ground in Commerce, TX.

“…he was killed in a car wreck a couple years ago.”

another discrepancy

According to police, the pursuit lasted 11 minutes. This coincides with the time frame on the videos of the pursuit.

I’ve noticed before that there are snippets of radio conversations on the videos that are not on the dispatch audio recording(CAD tape). I went back and checked the time frame of the CAD tape recording – it’s only 6 minutes long from beginning to end – a full 5 minutes is missing! The only reason I can think of that they would alter so much of the CAD tape is that it’s recorded at dispatch, ie. all transmissions would be very clear (audible).

I’ve got to get the audio enhanced on all the recordings.
Feel I’m getting close to the truth- never felt it before but do now.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Good luck with this. I hope you find the answers to all your questions. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

I -

shhh….i sneaked in over at Cristie’s and snagged her meme.

i am not: asleep
i hurt: ’nuff said
i love: god, hannah, my family, my dogs, my friends (not necessarily in that order)
i hate: heights, the dark, small places, and bullies
i crave: Rick’s grilled tenderloin
i regret: that we wasted so much precious time
i cry: when nobody’s watching
i care: more about others than myself
i will always: wonder what really happened
i long to: find a tolerable medium
i feel alone: all the time
i listen: with my heart
i hide: from the phone
i drive: too slow
i sing: worse than rex
i dance: with hannah
i write: to stay sane
i breathe: slow when i meditate?
i miss: rick
i feel: his presence often
i know: i have a problem getting anywhere on time
i say: less and listen more
i dream: intensely
i sleep: less than i should
i wonder: if he misses me
i want: to be a good mom
i worry: i won’t be a good mom
i have: the greatest most supportive family and online friends
i need: find me again
i am: still Rick’s wife.

and I’m tagging OGO.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Loved your answers, and you dont have to sneak, you are welcome anytime!

getting it together

I’ve been pretty quiet lately- haven’t commented as much (sorry everyone). I’ve been working on getting pursuit documents html’d and uploaded and updating the site map.

Right now I’ve only linked one new document (be getting more up in the next few days). This one was a hard decision for me and I explain more about why on the actual page. The autopsy report.

today

today i’m feeling better. just sucks me down so far sometimes.

there’s contented

and then there’s Rex-

must be nice huh?

I

want you to come home now.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I hope you don’t mind if I make a post. I’m finding that this may be a place to put at ease some feelings I have. If not, I hope you can remove this post at your wish. I hope I’m not imposing.
Home. I often wonder what the word means. I often find myself in different places, even home, wondering where that place may be. What ever it is, it isn’t what it use to be. I couldn’t begin to think what home would feel like if I was there. I remember home being the place where I would walk home from the local park, crawling up into the lap of father. I knew this was the place of amnesty. Any thing I have ever done eventually came to this point of truth. Whether it was good or bad, I knew there was a person in my life that understood, forgave, and guided. It was the warmth of his light that made me strong and gave me a strong understanding of the path I was to lead. He was the one that gave meaning to the word destiny and showed me how to fulfill them.
But, it seems as if destiny had other plans than I for him. As if it were the first step I was taking on my own, I thought that he would be there to catch me if I fell. Learning to walk on my own I fell. I hurt walking home from that local park, the only thing that I could do was to crawl up in that empty seat. I can only sit in that chair thinking back to what would have been done, said, and felt.
Where am I right now? I’m reaching, looking for the place, possibly in my heart that needs filled once again. Who, how, what, I don’t know. Is it really important? I’m starting to think that it doesn’t matter any more.
So, what does home mean to me? I don’t know. Maybe that is still why I am wandering this place. Maybe to think that the feelings I felt in that chair once before is keeping me from opening myself to anyone, to any place. Destiny is becoming a faded word in my vocabulary. But, the impression that was left on me by the person I hold close to me is still as solid as floor that I walk on.
Therefore, this is the life that I live. Every person I meet has an impression on me that will be everlasting. For that brief moment in time when I meet a stranger it takes me on a different path than I was leading before. How ever intangible that it may be, I think about it. Home may not be there anymore, but I suppose I’m still looking. Maybe one day it will be waiting there for me.

Thank you Mr. Richard Owens and Catonya

lasting impact

Janey emailed me earlier. Said she’d been thinking alot about everything I wrote about Rick the other day, the impact his death had on our lives. I’m not surprised it’s been on her mind because it’s been on mine alot the last few days too- and we do that a lot – think together like we share a brain.

need to stop here and say something about the videos and photos from the pursuit. I’m always careful to explain why I’m looking at them. I don’t want anyone to think I sit around look at /watching them over and over again -torturing myself.  If /when I review them – it’s because something triggered or clicked and that’s the only way I can verify or discount various scenarios. I’m not going to do that anymore – explain why I happen to be watching them yet again. Just know it isn’t a masochistic fixation.

back to what I was saying -’bout us thinking about the same stuff the last few days. Been on my mind alot too. was watching the video from the scene today. At the end – firemen are using JAWS to cut the Tracker open, then pulling Rick’s body from the wreckage. A female cop is camcording while a male cop is chit-chatting with her. A few feet away is a man who’s life just ended bloody and violently- and this male “officer” is cracking jokes about sardines in a can, whistling doo-dah and singing some 80’s rock song under his breath.

These fine “officers” slipped back into their daily routine- and we slipped into this never-ending day where Rick’s dead, Randy and Janey’s marriage fell victim to the aftermath, our family is gone forever. No more Thanksgivings, no more birthdays, no more I love you’s.
That day never ends for us.

Please no one tell me how it effects these “officers” or how it has a lasting effect on them, or how they have to seperate themselves from everything they see in order to do their job. BS. plain and simple BS. If any human being is capable of seperating themselves to that extent – there is a certain lack of conscience and compassion which makes them unsuitable for that particular line of work. Undeniably and scarily so.

Because it is this very lack of conscience and compassion that enables them to lie and cover the truth of what happened that morning.  Anyone who wants to argue that – read this – then we’ll talk.

just that

i

miss

you