what i missed

I read something over at Laine’s today. Made me think about what I missed. ..

When I found out I was pregnant- was when things were at their deep and darkest between us. Rick had moved back to his old house – sportin’ a new flavor of arm candy every other day. younger – skinnier …

I was just so alone- hardly anyone knew I was even pregnant because I wouldn’t answer the door or talk to anyone. And the looks – omg I so hated those.
“can you believe she’d get herself pregnant to hang onto him?”
“can you believe she was dumb enough to get pregnant?”

And I never wanted children of my own. So being pregnant at that time was to me a fate worse than hell. I felt like Sigorny Weaver in the Alien. To top it off I don’t think Rick really believed I was pregnant until I called him from labor at the hospital. Not sure why, I’m not one to pull the pregnancy card – or any other card for that matter, he should and did know me better than that, but life was just so fucked up back then. And I never looked very pregnant – gained maybe 25 lbs total. Went into labor at the beginning of my 7th month so I never hit the hard weight gain months. My ovaries have always been conception-friendly – it’s the carrying part they didn’t handle well. And I had toxemia- the big silver glitter things were interesting.

All of it combined was dark dark dark. One day I was sitting on the bed and thinking this is it – this is that last stage of being people who kill themselves experience – the last stage before they go through with it. Scared the hell out of me even though I knew I couldn’t nor did I want to. I understand it now though- it’s quiet and peaceful and calm.

If I could change anything in my life – this would be it. I would go back and do these months again and cherish every moment.

I understand now the why’s and what’s that I didn’t know back then. She was my gift of life, my lifesaver as Rick over at newspell would say. The powers that be knew I would need a reason to keep on keepin’ on after Rick was gone. Maybe somewhere deep inside his soul Rick knew it too and that’s why he gave her to me. Whatever the reason – I thank them from the bottom of my heart and whole of my being.

 

Now i gotta get in the shower – we have a circus to attend.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Now you have all—-the beginning of your journey, the sun shines bright…..

nemesis’

radio static

“…attempted hit and run at (address)”

(oh shit- that’s Jon’s house)

I run back in the bedroom to listen to the police scanner.

“Appearantly Richard Owens attempted to run over Jon LN(last name) …in his driveway…”

(phone rings)

“I need you to meet me somewhere and get Rex! I tried to run Jon over in his driveway- cops are looking for me.”

“you what?! where are you?!!!”

“Shut up!! and listen to me! gotta meet me -get Rex- cops looking for me!”

“have you lost your fucking mind?!!!”

“…dispatch could you repeat that call?”

“…Owens run over Jon LN with his car. last seen heading south on Kemp…”

(call waiting beeps) “hang on- other line…” (click)

“Rick just ran over me in my fucking driveway!!!”

(oh shit) “..uhmm. hang on.” (click)

“OMG!!! you two gotta stop this shit – kill eachother or both go to jail!!!!!!!!!”

“who’s on the other line?”

“Jon.”

“Fuck him!”

“oh fuck you Rick- now whattya need?!”

“Rex GD- I need you to meet me somewhere – get Rex!”

“OK OK -just a sec..”

(click)

“fucking insane- car- tried to run over me- busted his windshield!…”

(shit)

“Jon- hang on- Ricks on the other line- Rex with him…”

“other line?! tell him -”

“hang on”

(click)

“did you say Owens tried to run Jon LN down with his car? oughta let ‘em go… take care of eachother for us..”

(smart asses)

“where are you? ok- be there in a sec…FUCK!”

(click)

“…where is he – that son -”

“I gotta go… Rex – you two gotta stop this shit…”

“HE tried to run over me!…”

“I’ll call you soon as I get back”

---

fast forward to one week later

(phone rings)

“…ditched my car at the golf course…..come get me now.”

“on my way”

jump in my car. drivers side door catch breaks – door won’t stay shut. gotta love timing like that? I drive it to the only person I know I can depend on.

burst through Jons door.

“need your truck please- now please..”

“what’s up?”

“just need your truck- now – pleeease”

tosses me the keys. drive and drive and not finding Rick where he said he’d be. Of course Rick’s looking for me in my car – sure as hell isn’t looking for me in Jon’s pick-up. I notice Jon’s truck is on E as I pull in a parking lot to turn around- Jon pulls in beside me.

“whats going on? Rick in trouble?”

“yeh- can’t find him but he sure as hell doesn’t think I’d be in your truck and it’s on E.”

hands me wadded up bills, “go get some gas- meet me back at my house. where’s he at? ….his cell phone number..”

Jon calls and calls -of course Rick won’t answer because it’s Jon. finally-

“what -don’t have time for this right -”

“this is Jon. I’m all you got right now- tell me where you’re at- “

Jon saved his ass. Rick and I spent the better part of the night huddled and hiding at Jon’s house.

 

---

phone calls- conversations – “here take this- help get him out- DON’T tell him where it came from.” countless times I was told by one when the other was in jail.

so this pretty much sums up the relationship between Rick and Jon and me. fine line between love and hate with these two, but they were always there to jerk the rug out from under eachother or help eachother out. Jon had done a little more helping than rug-jerking towards the end.

I wrote this in the hopes it’ll draw Jon into making a comment so I can introduce him – I know he’s lurking around somewhere -we talked on the phone recently and I gave him a link to the site. come on Jon- where ya at?

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

That fine line between love and hate is pretty common I think. When you love someone you know their weakest points and it’s easier to hurt them.

which translates to-

Yesterday I mentioned a major drug bust in Wichita County. Here’s a link to today’s Times Record News report.

If they make you register to view the article, let me know and I’ll post a copy of the story. For now, I’ll translate the key phrases into “what they really mean.”

after an 18 month investigation they couldn’t get enough evidence therefore they arrested 2 suspects who sang like canaries in exchange for testimony against those arrested at a later date.  It’s been my experience that people who are making a desperate attempt to keep their freedom will say a whole lot of what they think someone wants to hear.

otherwise known as a trace amount which usually means a tiny ziplock bag that once contained meth.

 

this one’s easy. It means the suspects “talked” about manufacturing, distributing, and possessing with the “intent” of distributing.

“organized”.  means they knew eachother- period. In a city the size of Wichita Falls every drug user can be connected to every drug user through a single acquaintence. I’ll go out on a limb here and guarantee you that the activities of any one of those arrested were NOT contingent on the activities of another. Yes, they sometimes hung out together but isn’t that what you do with friends? It doesn’t mean by any stretch of the imagination you work with all of your friends.

Let me throw some numbers at ya.  (“about five dozen”) we’ll call it 60 agents from 5 agencies. If 60 agents invested one 40 hour work week at the rate of $20 per hour salary in an 18 month long investigation (sorry, I have no idea what these guys actually get paid but $20/hour seems a fair if not low estimate)  – the cost of salary alone for this little operation was $48,000.

 

And they best they could do was that the suspects “conspired”, ie. talked about committing a crime?

that’s your tax dollars at work America.

vengeance

since Rick died I’ve become quite adept at sitting back and letting karma handle the score.

But the thing with “blindsided”, turns out you cost me more than I first thought. I’ll be giving karma a break on this one and handling it myself.

…hope I haven’t lost my touch.

night whispers

I woke around 4am, restless -missing you. Sat outside on the porch steps for awhile thinking about us and looking at the stars. I wondered what we would talk about if you were here-
or maybe we would have sat together quietly watching the stars and listening to the noises of the night. Sometimes when a breeze came I would close my eyes and pretend it was you leaning close in whispered breath. Then pray pray pray when I opened them I would catch a glimpse of you on the wind. But always always open eyes to alone. Knowing this is how it will always be in this life without you and it carries so heavy inside me. Before back to bed a voiceless plea, please please come back now. I know you can’t but I always have to ask. Back in bed with my head on your pillow, my nightly ritual run of fingers across the soft leather of your wallet on the nightstand. I miss you baby, I love you. and closed my eyes hoping to find you in my dreams.

night day

everyone’s headed to bed and the 2nd half of my day is just starting. We have a 40′ x 60′ metal shop/barn here. It’s huge and omg was – well honestly, if I didn’t know better from the haphazard disorganization I’d swear it was Rick’s barn.

5 days ago I started a “half day” project (who the hell was I kidding?!) -rickety shelves have been replaced with solid ones, everything’s been pulled out and away and put back in a more logical place – and half of it is still scattered in the driveway in front of the barn. So that’s what I’m headed back to right now- too hot during the day to work in there.
sweet dreams everyone.
get some ZZZ’s for me and think about me working my ass off while you snooze.
(sublminal guilt message) did it work? heehee

blindsided

I’m ?embarrassed? that you turned to her and away from me without so much as a backward glance.

Not because I thought I was better than her – but because I thought I was more to you.

Not that either of us could be much in such a short time.

I feel stupid that I valued you both so highly but was worth so little to either of you.

Is she prettier?
sexier?

wonder if you laughed at me, my gullibility, naivete’, my stupidity….
will you read this and laugh again?

wishing more than ever I’d been with Rick
wish I was with him now.
tired of being the mark-
tired of being naive’ and stupid.

tired of sounding pathetic like I do right now.

most of all tired of
hurting
hurting
hurting
all the fucking time.

tired of being tired huh baby…me too.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

It hurts to feel decieved and used. Its sad to think that someone you care for could fuck you over so easily, because they are weak behind something they think they are controling , but really can’t. It would be so fucking nice to have someone you can talk to, someone who will hold you and make you feel good and be sincere about it. Someone who will have no inhibitions about anything that two people can do in bed together to make each other feel good. Someone who even if you can’t be together every day, will make you feel secure enough so there is never any doubt about their loyalty or fidelity. I am not so conceited as to think its always their fault. Seems like everyone is always on the defensive from the start. It would be so nice to just be able to enjoy life with someone without all the suspicions and doubts and mistrust. It is still possible isn’t it?

scenarios

With the possibility of uncovering new information on the horizon, I keep running different scenarios through my mind- trying to pin down a theory.

can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell could have happened.

super secret conspiracy to kill Rick. too complicated -involve too many people to pull it off.

bugs me that Rick never hit his brakes. He was an excellent driver, even under this kind of pressure.
I spoke to someone who drives a wrecker in one TX’s larger cities. He offered the possibility that Rick was spotlighted when he hit the intersection. A ploy used by cops to temporarily blind a driver to stop-spike placement. Plausible- and would explain what this person was doing behind the light pole.

last minute

yep. doing exactly what I told Janey I would do.

waited til the night before I meet with the sound enhancement spec. to review the videos and mark sections to enhance. now it’s 3am, it’s night/dark, I’m by myself – and wishing like hell I’d done this during the day yesterday.

everyone – keep your fingers crossed that SG (sound guy) can enhance that tape enough to hear the officer’s conversations.

(note I didn’t say cross ‘em that we’ll find something on the tapes to nail the PD’s ass to a wall. I still wish it’s nothing more than a simple accident, but they lied/covered/created entirely too much for it to have been that simple).

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

They are crossed. Let us know what you find out.

truth is faster than fiction

obviously there are exceptions to every “rule”.

But -
the majority of time, when someone is questioned about a situation, an innocent person will immediately respond with a declaration of their innocence because the truth is their story. A guilty person will hesitate in their response because it takes time to create/confirm their story/defense.

just fyi……