my girl

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

awww, how cute she is, I love that hat. Shes beautiful, just like her mom! I cant believe how comfortable she is around the horse. My kids would be freaking out! Talk to you later….

bubbling

happens when other things are knocking me off balance-
worry, fear, frustration.

below the surface
deeper
hatred
disgust

slow simmering
bubbling to the top
spilling over
wanna scream in his face until he melts in front of me.

I won’t though.
can’t
because that piece of tin covering his black heart makes him
unscreamable
untouchable
unaccountable .

hospital

my grandma’s in the hospital again. wasn’t doing very well yesterday. sent me home with all of her money and instructions for my grandpa’s birthday present.

i wished i could trade places with her. that’s awful isn’t it. i’d rather be with rick and i know she’d rather stay with my grandpa.

this entry probably won’t stay up very long. i do that alot lately – write an entry then make it disappear. thoughts and feelings i later find too distateful to look at.

deja vue – fuck i hate that.
i’m tired.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Sending you all love, hugs and prayers.

dreams

“Yes yes, there was that nasty little incident where our men killed your husband. And the illegal search and seizure we used to snatch a quarter million $$$$ in property from you and the children after his death. Combined with 6 years of the probation department jerking your chain. We’ve decided to do the most humane thing and cut you loose so you may attempt to pick up the pieces of your life.”

girls gotta have dreams yeh?

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

dreams, fantasies, wishes, desires, all the above, have as many as one wishes, jsut hope the can all come true….

Yonts’ Realization

I’ll always wonder if Yonts ever really grasped his part in Rick’s death. They removed their snitch from the Tracker. They were aware Rick had a history of evading – (there’s another news article on site that states it’s basic procedure to immediately remove the driver of a vehicle under these circumstances), but he didn’t. He purposefully left Rick behind the wheel, baited Rick to run. The police department was uncomfortable enough about what transpired in the few minutes of that traffic stop, they edited that entire timeframe out of the CAD tape. Doesn’t matter why he baited him or why he wanted Rick to run- just matters that he did. and Rick’s dead because of whatever little power tripping game he was playing during that traffic stop.

wonder if Yonts ever saw the blood – felt it warm and slick on his own hands. Has he ever grasped  the finality… a father, -brother, -son, -husband stopped breathing laughing talking loving because of his little game of bait and switch? Do you think he’s had one second of remorse for not following basic police procedure? Has it occurred to him someone died on ‘unkind’ words, because you know the bastard didn’t say a kind word to Rick that night. Keeps me up some nights- wishing I could slip back in time and whisper I love you before the light turned red.

Do you get that Yonts? do you fucking get it?!!!

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

It’s amazing the ripple effect we have on each others lives. I wish more people understood that.

commenting / comments

if you noticed comments have been closed on some entries recently. Please know it wasn’t to deter anyone from leaving comments.

The erectile dysfucnction advertising nazis with the same name as the meat that comes in a rectangular can were hitting the site pretty hard. When that happens I shut down comments for a few days until they move on.

I’d like to implement a word verification of some kind but the few plug-ins I’ve tried mess with the admin panel on the back end of the site. And I’m not geeky enough to know how to fix it or install it directly.

for now bare with me on the sporadic comment shutdowns.

burning me out!

new probation officer is burning me the fuck out!

First I can’t stand someone who won’t look me in the eye.

Second – I had an appt 2 weeks ago which he cancelled and rescheduled for today. This morning my grandmother went back to the hospital so I called to see if he could see me earlier today – if he couldn’t no biggie, I’d be there at the scheduled time. Instead he scheduled me for this afternoon, which was perfect.
I show up -sign in and he cancels til Friday.
Exactly how many times per month am I supposed to chase appts around?!
He doesn’t like me – I don’t like him- no sense kidding eachother about it.
But I’m not stupid – he’s trying to trip me into missing an appt altogether or catch me on a dirty UA.
squirrely – fucking hate squirrely people. He is a former narcotics officer though – should have expected this behavior.

bet ya a dollar he calls and wants to see me before Friday. any takers?

this is why people stop reporting and get revoked. At any time they can cancel – call us in – whatever they want and if we don’t comply, it’s grounds for revocation. What do you think would happen if he called to reschedule and I said, “oh, but I can’t.” ?

6 years – 6 very long years I’ve been playing their game. It’s getting old. One charge in 1997 and these bastards still run my life almost 10 yrs later. and if this new PO has anything to do with it, can bet your ass I’ll never get an early release. Thank God that much is totally out of his hands.
Next time you hear about someone getting revoked and you think “oh they must have been breaking the law” – think again.
Better chance they’ve hit burnout on having their lives toyed with and said fuck it – give me my time.
Did I say I’m sick of this BS?

oh oh – and get this. 2 weeks ago, a few days after he cancelled I had to call to ask him about something. He hadn’t scratched through the cancellation in his appt book. His first sentence, “You were supposed to be here for an appt this morning.”
“No. We rescheduled, remember?”
“No we didn’t.”
“Yes we did, for the 15th.
“Oh – that’s right.”

3 guesses what would have happened if I hadn’t by chance called him that day about something else. He had me marked as a no-show.

beginning to wonder who it is exactly that needs a drug test.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

your on but double or nothing he cancels and makes it for tuesday.

flying and not falling

I mentioned this in a reply comment on yesterday’s post but wanted to write an entry in case anyone missed it.

first wanna say – I’ve never used the ‘Rick’s an angel now’ angle with Hannah. Don’t think I’ve even yet discussed angels with her at all on any level. which makes this conversation even more special….

Hannah informed me today -
“the birds are up in the sky. they have wings.” and “Daddy Wick has wings too so he won’t fall on your head.”

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

HAHAHA…..Now that Hilarious!!!! Precious abso-friggin-lutely…Precious

the circle

“100 times you call, invite, disappear, forget, ignore, and 1 of those 100 times you would gift me an hour and it will be enough to keep me.”

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

an hour can last a lifetime.