round the corner

seems like I barely write here anymore. I mentioned that I’d finally turned the corner about Rick’s death. maybe that’s why.

Things feel different now – are different. I haven’t written much about him. Partly in respect for his privacy and partly because I can be greedy with the good stuff sometimes. (sorry for that)

There was an off-time for a couple months. the two of us on different pages. And he lived in Dallas during the week -which complicated things. He’s moving though- to his house here. Friday will be his last day in Dallas.

We’ve been spending a lot of time together and I love every second I’m with him.
The couple familiarities… like automatically unwrapping his burger when he’s driving.

Sometime in July we’re taking off on his bike(Harley) for a few days.

I’d love to post his pic here but wanna run it by him first.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Just wonderful news! I’m so happy for you. You definitely deserve the best. Seems like you’re turning a new chapter in the book of 2withspirit

strawberry ice cream

Walk in from my run this morning. Hannah and my grandpa are sitting at the kitchen table, both are holding a hot pink ice cream cone filled with strawberry ice cream. I watch as they pass the cones back and forth.

“what are yall doing?”

My grandpa grins, then bites a circle round the top of the cone and hands it off to Hannah who promptly eats the ice cream til it’s level with the top of the cone and they switch again.

“She doesn’t like the cone.”

“umm..ok.”

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Commenting from work…very rushed, gotta go back and read some but couldn’t pass this one up…Absolutely adorable! I love it. Precious. Thanks for sharing that, Catonya.

well

I ignored it thinking it was another stage in the grieving process and I didn’t like the picture it painted if it wasn’t.

The shut down began when Rick died. Common reaction I think- lessoning of the depth of emotions you let yourself feel, distancing yourself from everyone you love, because -fuck it just hurts so much. Supposed to be temporary though -but it hasn’t been, not for me. And it isn’t that numb feeling either.

like watching one more tragedy on the 6oclock news. cut to a clip of dead bodies scattered across a street in some country you’ve never even heard of. maybe shake your head about what the ‘world’s coming to’ as you click the channel button in search of something more pleasant.

Doesn’t mean you’re cold or unfeeling – just that you don’t know the dead people. If you lost a member of your family or a friend- you’d feel death in every raw nerve, tearing at your insides and stealing your breath away. that’s what I should be feeling right now but I’m not. no sense of loss, no sadness, no shock, no disbelief, no anger, no disconnection, no guilt-no emotions whatsoever. nothing.

Posted on  Monday 2 January 2006 ……..Someone asked me last night if I’m ever afraid or scared. took so long to answer, seemed like minutes ticked by, then finally, “yeh, I’m afraid that if I ever allow someone close enough to scratch the surface, they’ll find nothing underneath.” like trying to hold sand ya know

 

12:15am

I cried right after and when I made the phone calls. then came home and mowed the yard for my grandpa, made a few more calls for him, -feel like I should be crying or feeling something now but I’m just numb. dealing with it the same way I dealt with Rick’s death. don’t think about it – pretend it didn’t – isn’t happening. which makes me feel guilty because I know I should be feeling something anything.
I started writing an entry a few days ago about how I felt I’d finally turned the corner from Rick’s death. finally moving forward without hanging so tight to the past. but here I find myself again at 12:30am sitting at the computer alone in the too quiet wondering why…

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Catonya, wish I could make a difference ……. glad some light is breaking through to you despite everything. The numbness you feel is natural and a step through recovery. Keep believing …….

quick update

my grandmother’s been moved to a physical rehab hospital in Wichita Falls (36 miles). She has a good day then a bad one. Her organs are slowly shutting down. Almost impossible to treat because the treatment for one thing does damage to another. Doctor said it could be 2 weeks or 2 months. My grandpa said he was hoping for 2 more years. Hopefully know more after a cat scan on Wednesday. He drives over first thing every morning and comes home about 8 at night.

My mom alternates a few hours at the hospital with him so he can grab a few hours extra rest every other day. I’m taking care of what I can here at home, both houses, cattle, etc. by rotating Hannah between me and my mom. Hannah has an eye doctor appt this week, she and I both have dentist appts this and next week. And we have calves on 3 places we’ve yet to gather and take to the vet.

If there was just one more of us to alternate and rotate with – whether it be spending time at the hospital or watching Hannah… We’re in the 3rd week at the current pace and we’re all worried and exhausted.

I haven’t been to the hospital since last Sunday – traveling outside the state requires a travel permit from the probation office which requires me to interact with my probation officer. One conversation with him stresses me out til I think I’ll spontaneously combust. Fuck I just can’t deal with him right now- for better or worse. …..more on this when I have time.