Expectations

I’m always a little nervous when meeting someone for the first time. More so when it’s someone who read this part of me first. I know I’ve changed – I’m not the same person now. I wonder if they’ll be disappointed…will they think who I’ve become is less than who I was?

Fear

Never truly goes away.
Dormant, quiet, waiting to consume you.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I can empathize with what you are saying. For me fear is paralyzing. You can’t out run it. You can’t bury it. You can’t cut that corner out of your brain. But in time (which I also realize is infinite) you can work through it. For me, it’s a work in progress and at times a pretty big job.
Hugs to you!

Dreams and Nightmares

Started on New Year’s Eve with a good dream. Waking to his scent in the air and my chest bursting with his presence. I walked around the house for about an hour, not wanting to let it go.

A few hours later I was up again, running from my own screams. Sitting in the street, holding Rick in my arms, rocking back and forth, “…be alright, I promise oh God hang on please hang on SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!”

Last night I woke up to him in bed beside me. Crunching broken bones, decomposing flesh.
For the first time since I’ve lived here I spent the rest of the night at my grandparents. I thought the first dream was a sign of good things to come in 2007.
maybe not so much.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Maybe the bad needs to be got through before the good comes. Maybe.

2:34 am

3 years ago, right about now, I was climbing into bed. A few hours earlier I helped Rick pack his bags and load them in the Tracker. He was finally getting out -going to stay with his brother in Dallas, get his life back on track. The first time in 3 years, I went to bed and truly believed everything would be ok. for Rick, for me, for us.

so close.

then it was gone
in the blink of an eye.

this song…

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I dont think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when Im dreaming of your face

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls, when its all said and done
It get hard but it wont take away my love

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
But tonight girl its only you and me

Here Without You, 3 Doors Down

Every time I heard it on the radio back then, I would think to myself,
“I’m identifying with it now because Rick’s living on Princeton and I’m living at our house alone. Soon I’ll be identifying with it because Rick will be dead and I’ll be here without him.”

I HATED it because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking he’s gonna die.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

Oh Catonya…

Listening to that and thinking about all that you’ve written, then the silence when the song ended….

So full of apprehension I guess…not sure how to explain it. I can feel it.

I’m sorry. Hugs to you and Hannah.

Love you forever

Listening to tapes of Rick a lot lately.
I miss his voice.
“I’ll love you forever.”

I miss him.

Lying

my grandpa -
“Saw Gayle today. She was way down. You know her friend, the one that lost her husband last year…said she still wasn’t over it. It’s been a year.”

Gayle’s husband died about a month after my grandmother. Cancer. He was young.

He’s looking at me. He wants me to tell him it’ll stop hurting – eventually.

I lied.
I told him it gets better. There will be a day that it doesn’t consume your thoughts.
It won’t always be the very first thought every morning and the last before he sleeps.

3 years since Rick died…I’ve yet to see any of those days.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

When my mom killed herself an aunt told me, “You’ll never get over it, but you’ll learn to live with it.”

For some, the living with it gets easier, for others, it doesn’t.

“Let’s stop.”

(the beginning)

“please…let’s quit…please…”

“hmm? yeh ok….”

“Catonya listen to me. Please. Let’s quit. You won’t like who I’ll be if we don’t.”

we didn’t because I didn’t really want to.
then it was too late.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

It’s always too late.

I’m a Runna

I’m a Runna

The four of us were sitting in the kitchen at his brothers, talking and catching up.

“Y’all tell me if I get too far out there, ok? You’re my family so I’ll listen to you.”

His brother grinned and shook his head.

“what?”

“No you won’t bro.”

“won’t what? ….oh…yeh I will. you’re my family- I promise I’ll listen.”

“yeh, but you won’t hear us. we’ll tell ya- but you won’t hear.”

Months later he did tell you.
And his wife told you.

“nah- I’m cool. really -don’t worry.”

I told you.
and told you
and told you.

“running circles around ‘em, rubbin’ their nose in it. and oh yeh- here’s your shit sandwich. bon appetit.” on the 10 o’clock news.

didn’t you see? cheerleading squads standin on corners- waving like GD Nascar when you flew by here. half the police force behind you. 3 times you screamed by like a bat outta hell throwin shit out- 6 patrol cars behind you. counted 9 the next time. 16 – SIXTEEN patrol cars when you made that last pass!

you’ve fucking lost your mind! gonna lose your life if you don’t STOP… just stop…. please. leave town for awhile. for ever. go. Mexico- Cali – anywhere. I’ll go with you. I’ll stay here. whatever the fuck you want to get you out.

cause you’re gonna die if you don’t. I feel it. Can’t you feel it in the air? fury and hatred. They hate you for breathing. Hate you for making fools of them. Don’t you get it?!! they wear the badges, they have the power. gonna come seeking retribution, they’ll say they’re protecting this fine city. Kill your ass and won’t matter that it was an accident because you’re gonna be dead all the same. dead- do you hear me?!!! D E A D fucking dead!”

had to stop telling you -it was driving you further away.
couldn’t watch your back if it was too far away to see.

(deep breath)
for you who helped me see the importance of posting this entry- thank you.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I’ve stared at this post for about twenty minutes now.

I’ve got the words in my heart, but they’re too jumbled and chunky to pass my lips.

I read this post, C. I read it and read it and read it again.

I read this, C. That’s all.

damn but

I do get tired of home alone on Friday nights. not that I’d rather be out because I hadn’t. Just not so alone at home.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

: (

Gotta get you out! Call a friend and go for a ride or bowling or catch a movie or shoot some pool. It’s still early, you know.

unbelievable -revised

This DA should be ordered to serve equal time.

This judge should be thrown off the bench.

sorry haven’t posted in the last few days. boring boring here. too hot to do anything.
because this post is so boring, decided to add a recent pic of Rex and tell you one of my weird little quirks.

Do your dogs lay beside the bed and stick only their heads under the bed? (opposite of this pic I know) but do they? because I swear mine do this only to drive me crazy. I have this stupid phobia that the bed could somehow fall. At any time, guests in my home are likely to hear me yelling at one dog or the other, “Abby/Rex -get your head from under the bed!” it even rhymes.
ok – back to regularly unscheduled blogging.

Comment posted by
at 1/1/0001 12:00:00 AM

I agree with you about the DA and the Judge.
Rex is a great looking dog! My dogs will sometimes put their heads under the coffee table.